The Moanings Of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Two
by The morrigan three
Summary: I'm back for another year. Hopefully Potter may have got run over by a bus during the summer. A diary full of complaints from your favourite teacher. Severus Snape. Complete.
1. Back for another year

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

I have decided to write a Snape diary for the second film; sorry if I start to repeat stuff, just tell me and I'll stop. Cheers!

Chapter one: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller Two

**Bloody awful summer 'holidays'**

What is the point? All that threatening that could be done in those six weeks lost because the poor little darlings need a long break from school. McGonagall tried to persuade me to go on holiday; I told her that sunlight causes me to melt. She agreed with me. At least school starts again in two days. I wonder if any of them have missed me? Dumbledore's gone on holiday to Bermuda for a few days.

**Dumbledore's back**

And handing out Holiday presents to everyone. He bought McGonagall a beret when he stopped off in France; personally I think she should stick to the woolly hats. At least they hide some of her face. I have been wondering how I will cope at school without Quirrel following me; I am hoping that the new DADA teacher will be a pompous git so I can annoy him. Yes, once again Dumbledore has refused to make me the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. McGonagall was nearly skipping with joy. At least I'm not doing something really crap like Transfiguration. Absolutely pointless skill. Woohoo! I can turn into a cat! Nobody cares!

**Dumbledore's given me a present**

It's pretty cool actually. Maybe Dumbledore isn't as bad as I thought he was? It's a MASSIVE coffee cup with built in coffee maker, marshmallows, whipped cream, chocolate sprinkles, chocolate powder and milk. He found it in a wizard shop somewhere in Bermuda. I never have to go into the staff room again! Never again will I have to sit opposite McGonagall at five o'clock in a morning because the giant squid has woken me up! Never again will I have to nick coffee from the staff room when I run out! It was never proved!

**Been called to staff room**

It's five o'clock in the evening and I am sat opposite McGonagall. I swore I would never set foot in here again and five minutes later I'm sat in my usual seat across from an old bag with a tea cosy on her head. Apparently Dumbledore wants to introduce us to the new teacher.

"I would like you ALL to WELCOME our new Defence Against the DARK Arts teacher. Gilderoy Lockhart!" God, not him, anyone but that flash bugger.

"Hello!" What is he wearing? Yellow? It's the middle of winter; black is the only colour for winter, perhaps very, very dark blue. Not yellow.

What's McGonagall straightening her tea cosy for? McGonagall's in love! Ha! Dumbledore has told canary boy to sit next to me. Great.

"Why are you wearing yellow in the middle of winter?" What? Dumbledore said talk to him.

"It's lemon actually, and I like wearing bright colours, it makes you seem more approachable and happy." Oh sorry, I didn't realise there was a massive difference between lemon and yellow. That's I wear black, so people don't mistake me for someone that is actually happy.

"I would just like to say that I thoroughly enjoyed all of your books Mr Lockhart." What is Popsicle going on about? I didn't know she knew how to read.

"Gilderoy, please. I am glad that people enjoy reading about my little adventures." Adventures? What did he do? Can't be that important, I've not read any of his books. Anyone thinks that they can be a celebrity these days.

**Finally escaped from canary boy**

Just because he sat next to me in the staff room he has made the presumption that I actually want him to talk to me. Which I don't. I have coped for ten years with nobody talking to me, except Quirrel and I would rather forget about him. This cup makes extremely good coffee. I can't seem to get any chocolate sprinkles out of it though; perhaps I had better read the instruction manual?

**Read the instructions**

It is all rather easy after you do that. Apparently you tap the cup once for black coffee, twice for milk, three times for marshmallows and so on. I'm still wondering how you get sprinkles without getting marshmallows as well.

**Last day of freedom**

Been called to the staff room again. Canary boy is wearing purple today; he looks like a big flower, one that is asking to be mowed down by a lawnmower. He has also decided to adopt the seat next to me, why? I don't know. He looked at me as though saying 'are you wearing the same robe as yesterday?' Well I have something to tell you. No I bloody well am not! Just because I don't have a different coloured robe for every day doesn't mean that I have worn the same robe for ten years!

**Dumbledore has officially lost him marbles**

He wants us all to 'bond' more, he feels that some of us don't seem to get on with one another so every break he wants us all to meet in the staff room and talk to at least two different people every day. I can talk to myself and the coffee cup in front of me. I can find a way out of whatever Dumbledore tells us to do. It is one of my few attributes.

**Been bonding with my coffee cup all day**

It's been so much fun, McGonagall kept giving me glares and flower boy kept trying to talk to me but I just ignored them both. I think McGonagall might do something about it though; it is funny that both her and Dumbledore were away at the same time. She went two days before him and she came back one day before him. Something very dodgy going on there. I don't know why I'm bothered; I'm not her mother. Though if I were her mother, I would tell her to get someone her own age instead of going after toy boys.

**She has complained to Dumbledore**

I knew she would, I could feel it in my bones. He came into the staff room and started to pair the teachers up with each other. I tried to slide inconspicuously to the door, but Dumbledore saw me and paired me up with Sprout. I hate sprouts, they're too green.

**Brats are back tonight**

Started to plan out lessons. First years are always good for a laugh. Third years can have a test on werewolf teeth and fourth years can pickle something suitably slimy. I don't know what punishment should be given to the second years; Potter unfortunately wasn't expelled last year so I must endure another year of his bigheadedness. Like father like son, once a Potter always a Potter. If I were Potter I would have gone and lived in a cave somewhere in the wilds so nobody would have to live with me.

**Just got paper, it is very interesting**

Six Muggles have seen a Ford Anglia flying over London and out in the country. That car looks familiar and so do the two prunes flying it. Potter and Weasley always do have to make an entrance. Well I definitely will be making an entrance, I shall be there to congratulate them on their great flying skills.


	2. Expel! Expel! Expel! Or not

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Chapter two: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**They're back**

My plan is nearly complete, all the brats are eating in the Great Hall and I am stood outside waiting for Potter and Weasley to appear. It won't be the grand entrance that they expected. It is freezing out here, and I'm hungry. At least I had the sense to bring out my coffee cup with me. I didn't want marshmallows but I did want sprinkles, so I had to fish all the marshmallows out.

**Potter and Weasley have run over the Whomping Willow**

Or rather, they have run into it and now the Willow is screaming bloody murder. Stupid thing, they never should have planted it. The feast has started as well, them two had better hurry up. They're coming; I think I will hide in the shadows.

"The feast has already started. Hey Harry, come and look, it's the Sorting!" Yes, and I am currently missing scaring lots of new brats for you two.

"Hang on… There's an empty chair at the staff table… Where's Snape?" That's Professor Snape to you, and I am stood right behind you.

"Maybe he's ill!" I am never ill Weasley, and even if I was I would drag myself form my deathbed to shout at you.

"Maybe he's left, because he missed out on the Defence Against the Dark Arts job again." No, I am sticking around so that I can annoy canary boy and so I can still teach mindless pillocks like you how to make potions.

"Or he might have been sacked, I mean everyone hates him…" Time for my big entrance I think.

"Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train." Go Severus! Go Severus! Smug smile in place, slight breeze rippling through cloak, the moonlight reflecting off my eyes that are glinting dangerously. God I'm good.

"Follow me." I feel like a mad axe man, taking his victims into the woods to be executed. Hahahahaha Ahahahahaha! Ooo, good evil laugh.

I think the dungeons will be the best place, away from the warmth and happiness of the Great Hall.

"In!" They have broken thousands of school rules, they will be expelled and if they aren't, I will burn McGonagall's tea cosy.

"So, the train isn't good enough for Potter and his faithful sidekick Weasley. Wanted to arrive with a bang did we boys?" Well you certainly arrived with a bang, pity I was the only one to see it. You will certainly get more attention then you could ever have imagined when you get kicked out of Hogwarts. I can see the headlines now:

**'Potions Professor upholds School's honour.'**

**'Potty Potter and sidekick Weasley thrown out because of flying car.'**

**'Potter booked into a mental institution for thinking he is important!'**

**'Potter who? Potter nobody!'**

**'Potter sent to Azkaban for attacking Potions Teacher' **

**'Severus Snape asked to be Minister of Magic!' **

Okay, maybe the last one is a bit eccentric, but I like beingeccentric.

"It was the barrier at King's Cross. It wouldn't…" Likely story.

"Silence! You were seen." If I could find the copy of the Daily Prophet it would help. Ah, here it is.

"You were seen!" Flying car mystifies Muggles. Whack Potter across the head with Daily Prophet, better not, McGonagall might have a go at me for that.

"From my search of the grounds, I can see that considerable damage has been done to the Whomping Willow." It's probably done more damage to them, serves them right.

"That tree did more damage to us then we…" Do I look like someone who is cared Weasley?

"Silence! Unfortunately you are not in my house and the power to expel you does not rest with me. I will go and fetch the people that do have that happy power." I will just have to pray that McGonagall will expel them. If Potter were in my house, I would have expelled him before he set foot through the main gate.

**Yay! McGonagall is furious!**

She is even more annoying when she is angry because she keeps snapping at me, but I don't care! They are going to get expelled! It is absolutely certain. Even Dumbledore can't excuse them from flying an enchanted car and letting Muggles see. Potter and Weasley are explaining how they couldn't get through the barrier and therefore nicked a car. Why a random car that could fly was parked at King's Cross Station I don't know, but as long as they get expelled I don't care. Wait a minute, someone's knocking on the door.

**It's Dumbledore!**

Yes! All my Christmases have come at once! And he isn't smiling or cracking jokes and he is emphasising every other word! They're in for it now!

"PLEASE explain WHY you DID this."

Potter came out with the same story that he had told McGonagall and Dumbledore just sat and looked at him. I would at least have shouted at him by now.

"We'll go and get our stuff." Yes, you had better Weasley; I can use your bed as a garbage tip.

"What are you talking about, Weasley?" McGonagall doesn't understand, stupid girl. I could never understand how she became a teacher.

"Well, you're expelling us, aren't you?" YES! YES! YES!

"Not TODAY, Mr Weasley." WHAT! OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS! WHY ME? I'LL KILL THEM! ARRRGGGHHH! He is so annoying, stupid Dumbledore with his stupid half-moon glasses, stupid twinkling eyes and stupid smile. Stop emphasising your stupid words you stupid man!

"Sir! These…boys… have broken a number of rules, not to mention underage wizardry, damage to a very valuable tree, surely acts of this nature…" You can't possibly let them off!

"It will be for Professor MCGONAGALL to decide on THESE boys' punishments, Severus. They ARE in her house and are THEREFORE her responsibility. I MUST go Minerva; I have to give OUT some notices during the feast. COME, Severus, there is a delicious custard TART that I wish to sample." What? And you need my help to find your gob through all that hair? I am on the verge of a breakdown and all you can think about is a bloody custard tart!

**I hate school**

Potter and Weasley are sat at the Gryffindor table, beaming and laughing with their 'friends.' Post is coming, why are there fifty million birds flying towards the staff table? Take cover!

You will never guess who all the owls were for… Canary boy! Apparently all his 'fans' have to keep in touch with him. Well la dee da. I have never had a fan and I manage just fine. I'm sure the rest of the world would manage if you got run over by a rouge unicorn. Accidentally, of course.

Wait, Weasley has got a red envelope that looks suspiciously like a Howler. It is! Ronald is getting screamed at by his mother! I could hug someone! Okay, maybe that's taking it a bit too far. It's not that exciting. And I don't know what I could catch off the other teachers.

**I hate teaching**

Bloody kids. I have just had first years catapulting frog's eyeballs all over my nice dungeon. Filch will have to clean it up and he won't be happy about that. At least I got to take away seventy points in total and give out three detentions. Heading to the staff room seen as I have a free lesson. Why is Canary Boy prancing out of the main doors with loads of bandages? Ha! He's telling Sprout how to care for the Whomping Willow. He's going to get a clonk over the head with a shovel if he's not careful. I've been on the receiving end of Sprout's anger before, and I have the scar to prove it. I need some coffee.

**In staff room**

It seems that McGonagall also has a lesson free too. The joy. Lockhart has just come skipping in as well. He's wearing green today; he looks like a giant lime.

"Hello Severus, Minerva." Show off. Go and do your nails or something.

"Hello Gilderoy." What would Dumbledore say? McGonagall fraternizing with another man. Well half man, half fashion victim.

"I see you have been giving out 'advice' on how to look after the Whomping Willow." I had to ask some sort of question, him stood there goggling at me was making me feel uncomfortable.

"Yes, I looked after one for a couple of years when I was a boy." I bet it didn't get run over by two lunatics in a magic car.

"I'm sure Professor Sprout knows what she is doing, she does teach Herbology." That's stumped him, why is McGonagall glaring at me?

"Yes, I was just offering some advice to her." Advice? More like commands.

"Perhaps you should start writing back to all of your fans, Gilderoy?" Shut up McGonagall, nobody asked you to get involved.

"Yes Minerva, I suppose I should really. My fans need me; I am the five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming-Smile Award." Oh goody, the excitement of winning a smiling award. I can't understand people who smile most of the time. It takes less effort to look miserable.

"That's what every school needs, a teacher that can smile for a living. Never mind teaching about werewolf's and such like, lets all learn how to smile and win awards so we can all have adoring fans and spend our time writing letters back to them." I think he heard me. His smile has slipped slightly anyway. McGonagall is going to throw the coffee machine at me unless I apologise by the looks of it. Well I have my own special coffee cup; I don't need your crummy coffee machine any more.

"I must get back and…er… plan my next lesson." And with that Lockhart shuffled out of the door, just before a large object flew past my ear and hit the wall behind me.

"Will you stop being spiteful Severus?!" McGonagall has just thrown a chair at me and she's going on about me being nasty towards other people?

"Why? He's a stupid little worm that constantly annoys me."

"Stop bullying him!"

"Bully? I'll kill the little…"

"You lay one finger on him and you'll be kicked out of this school so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week!"

"Tell him to leave me alone then!"

"No! If he annoys you that much then lock yourself in your dungeon and do us all a favour!" And McGonagall stormed out after Lockhart. Maybe I was a bit harsh? Nah, that's a stupid idea.


	3. The funniest day so far

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter

Chapter Three: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**I should have been the DADA teacher**

You never guess what he had his classes doing today, a quiz, about him. Malfoy was talking about it in the Slytherin common room. Apparently there were some extremely stupid questions like:

'_What is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date in your opinion?' _

Well I have the perfect answer:

_Not being killed by Professor Snape, yet. _

With Potter's class he set loose Cornish Pixies, unfortunately none of the things managed to harm Potter in any way. Cornish Pixies are vicious buggers when they're set free. They don't cope well in confined spaces.

**Weasley has broken his wand**

It was really crappy anyway. I don't know why Potter doesn't just buy him a new one; he has bags of cash left to him by his parents. I think they stole it from Gringott's with the help of Dumbledore personally, but it'll never be proved. In Charms Weasley's wand hit Flitwick right in between his eyes and now there is a massive green boil there. It's quite disgusting actually; whenever you talk to him you can't help staring at it. Especially when he shakes his head, it kind of wobbles. He should really do something about it. I might make him a potion to get rid of it. I have a book somewhere about getting rid of boils, not for myself of course, just in case of emergencies. Potter has a new follower, Colin Creevey out of Gryffindor. Always walking round with that damn camera. One of these days I am going to 'accidentally' drop it into a cauldron of boiling slime. He had the cheek to ask me for a picture! To 'show this mother and father what his potions teacher was like.' I calmly suggested that if they want to look at something interesting, they should visit a zoo not ogle at pictures of me.

**I love being evil**

I have just issued Flint (captain of the pathetic excuse called a Quidditch team) with a letter saying that I give them special permission to train their new seeker, who is Draco Malfoy. His father has kindly given all of the team Nimbus Two Thousand and One brooms just to prove that he has lots of money. Some people will think that Lucius is just being kind and showing his support to the school, but I however know that he is a) buying his son onto the team and b) showing off how much money he has. I swear he would sell his own granny for five Galleons if someone offered.

**That is the funniest ting I've heard all year**

Weasley has ended up cursing himself, apparently there are slugs coming out of his mouth every time he tries to talk, or move, or breathe. Malfoy has just been giving his bodyguards the disgusting details. What would have been even funnier however would be if Malfoy had got cursed and that might ensure Weasley getting expelled. It would teach Malfoy a lesson, get one of Potter's sidekicks out of the school and amuse me.

**This is the funniest day of my life**

Potter has just received his detention for flying that car- and he has to ANSWER FAN MAIL with I-won-the-Witch-Weekly's-Most-Charming-Smile-award-five-times-and-even-though-I-pretend-not-to-talk-about-it-I-still-manage-to-mention-it-every-other-sentence. Weasley is polishing cups in the Trophy Room, with elbow grease. Not harsh enough in my opinion, but at least Filch is overseeing the operation. Have you ever noticed what a dirty little fellow Filch is? Has he never heard of water? I think that's why he's called Filch, it sounds extremely like Filth. And he smells of booze most of the time.

**I hate third years**

They have just decided to plaster frog brains all over my nice ceiling and Filch is on the rampage, whinging on about having to clean up after everybody and not getting any thanks and hardly any pay. I felt like bashing him over the head with a cauldron and telling him that none of us get any thanks and we only get more pay because we actually do something useful. Not to mention the free rooms, free food, free coffee and 'holidays' that we get. I don't think that would have cheered him up however, I didn't have the heart to tell him that I could have waved my wand and all of the frog brains would have disappeared. He spent such a long time cleaning them up. I think the dungeons need lick of black paint, or perhaps grey; I'll have to get some painters from Hogsmeade to have a look at it.

**I swear if Nearly Headless Nick doesn't stop complaining…**

All he does is whinge about not being about to join the Headless Hunt. That's the idea though; the ghost has to be HEADLESS! If he doesn't stop complaining he is going to end up headless and armless!

**Halloween is coming**

I don't know why witches bother with Halloween; they know that witches and wizards are true so why have a party about it? Have they seen Muggle Halloweens? They are awful, little brats running around as witches, mummies, Frankenstein's, vampires and wizards. Then they go around knocking on doors saying 'trick or treat?' They get a bloody shock when you answer trick and then stand there waiting for them to do something. You are meant to give them sweets or money, but why? They don't need it, the costumes probably cost more than what the brats will collect and rotten teeth are never attractive. Really I'm doing them a favour.

**The painters have come**

A witch in a very dodgy dress, a very camp wizard and a troll. The witch took one look at the dungeons and suggested black or grey, the wizard looked at the dungeons, looked at me, looked at my clothes, looked at the witch then also suggested black or grey. The troll shrugged and went to fetch some tins of paint. I ended up choosing black, the grey was a little too daring for me and the students make think I'm going soft.

**McGonagall's being nasty**

I went to the staff room while the painters were, well, painting and McGonagall made a very catty comment to Lockhart.

"I love the seaweed green you are wearing Gilderoy, I think it's great when men have an air of colour and life about them."

Firstly, 'an air of colour and life' what's that about? The comment was obviously aimed at me and it's not enough that I have appalling taste in clothes; I am apparently colour-blind as well now.

Secondly, SEAWEED GREEN! Who would wear seaweed green? Who made up seaweed green? Seaweed? I thought seaweed was brown, not green. Perhaps I should tell him this very interesting fact.

"Hello Severus. Dumbledore has partnered you up with Professor Flitwick today." Great, fifteen minutes watching that boil wobble up and down. What's McGonagall looking so happy at? Oh, she's partnered up with Lockhart and his seaweed green robe. Hopefully Flitwick wouldn't come into the staff room and we won't have to do any talking what so ever. Or I could leap out of the window and make a dash for my room across the lawn.


	4. Halloween!

With this chapter Harry goes to the Deathday party because I've based this on the book rather than the film so most of this chapter is just made up.

I've finally got round to writing another chapter… Enjoy.

Chapter four: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Halloween**

My favourite festival of the whole year. The time when I don't get strange looks and I can look as evil as I want without either McGonagall or Dumbledore raising their eyebrows at me. I'm currently sat at the Staff Table, waiting for Dumbledore to make a little speech and to welcome the Wonky Strepsels or whatever they are called.

"Welcome everyone!" Here we go, I bet he says at least one thing that he thinks is hilariously funny, one word of warning and one phrase of wisdom. I have listened to his speeches since I was twelve years old. I swear I could recite parts of them.

"Before we begin our WONDERFUL feast I would like TO welcome the Weird Sisters, who WILL be providing us with what I am ASSURED will be INTERESTING entertainment." That's bit he thinks is hilariously funny and some pupils smile at him because they think he's bonkers and are really wondering why we haven't carted him off to a loony bin yet.

"Please do not venture FAR from the school tonight, Halloween is not JUST for the more well-mannered creatures." There's the word of warning. I don't know who is referring to when he says 'well-mannered.' He obviously has never met me after nine o'clock on a night.

"I will not HOLD your attention any longer, a man with an EMPTY stomach is HARDLY a man at ALL." And there are the words of wisdom that no one understands but everyone still sits and nods at him.

What is that awful racket? Oh, it's the Weirdo Sisters 'tuning-up' their instruments. I'm hungry, I wish Dumbledore would get on with his speech.

"Everyone TUCK in!" At last, I was sure I was disintegrating for a moment there. At least Dumbledore had the sense not to get bats this year. The smell of freshly roasted bat might be delightful to me, but others might be quite sickened by it. Filch is lurking near the entrance hall, probably to catch any brats who are trying to go into the grounds. I have started to notice that Filch does a lot of lurking, last year I was too busy trying to get away from Quirrel but now I have the time to observe and criticize how the other teachers behaviour more.

You will never guess what Lockhart is wearing. McGonagall leaned back and I caught a glimpse of his robe. He hasn't resorted to black, which is traditional on Halloween might I add, instead he has gone for a vile shade of purple which looks like a pair of curtains from an old fogey's home. It clashes horribly with his hair. Wait, I didn't just write what I thought I wrote…did I? I did. I am complaining that Lockhart's robe doesn't go with his hair colour. The House Elves have slipped something into my soup again.

**Had to get out of the Great Hall**

Lockhart is driving me crazy. Dumbledore went off to waltz with McGonagall, Flitwick is trying to do some sort of lion dancing with Sprout and Popsicle. I was sat with Trelawney on one side; who declared (very loudly) that all the 'high emotions' was clouding her 'inner sight,' and Lockhart a few seats down with his purple curtain. He kept grinning around like a kid in a candy store and when he saw me looking 'down in the dumps' as he so kindly put it he decided to come and have a chat with me. I told him I was going to go and get some fresh air. You will never believe his reply.

"Going to go and dance around a cauldron to get into the Halloween spirit?" I give him 'dancing round a cauldron.' And if I see one more 'canary yellow', 'seaweed green' or 'zingy orange' robe I am going to grab the nearest thing to hand and smack him round the head with it. Have I mentioned his 'zingy' orange robe before? It looks like whale sick: big, orange and floaty.

I am currently spying on a group of third years who have obviously made it past Filch. Filch just smiled at me and that cat of his stalked off, annoyed that I had the cheek to check outside for pupils. I have joined the conversation at a very interesting time:

"I reckon that he's part bat. Always wandering around the corridors late at night, in the dark and he seems to get from one end of the castle to another in a few seconds."

"What, he transforms into a bat, flies around the corridors and transforms back to a human whenever he hears someone coming?"

"Well he could."

"Yeh perhaps he could. Or he just doesn't sleep and can see in the dark."

"Maybe he fell into his cauldron one time and came out with really powerful vision."

They're really getting it into the swing of it aren't they?

"That doesn't explain how he can get from one end of the castle to the other in a few minutes."

"I bet that after everyone has gone to bed he takes a potion that can make more versions of himself and they all patrol the castle and disappear in the morning?"

How likely is that? Not a bad idea though…

"Maybe he knows some secret passages?" Someone with some sense at last. I think I shall give my input.

"Or perhaps I can materialise anywhere in the castle when I concentrate or maybe I can see through walls with my super powerful vision and I only turn into a bat on the weekends?"

The picture of pure horror is looking at me from three directions and I love every second of it. Which one will talk first, my money's on the one who was going on about super vision.

"Sir… We were just…." I win the bet; he needs to think up an excuse though. I'll give him five seconds.

"Er… We needed to…" Four seconds.

"George had to…" Three seconds. George is his other friend.

"I felt… sick and I needed to come out side to get some fresh air." Crap excuse. Two seconds.

"And we decided to come with him to make sure he didn't… faint or something." Getting worse. One second.

"But I'm okay now." Zero.

"I shall go and ask Mr Filch to confirm your story." Horror once more fills the air. Begin to walk away, swish cloak slightly. "However it is very likely that your story cannot be confirmed because it is not true." Turn around slowly, slight sneer, superior stance.

"Get back into the school. NOW!" I love the way that they run at my every command. I am going to go and gloat, Filch let some brats him and I'm not missing this chance.

**Oh no**

"Feeling any better Severus?" Oh no, Lockhart is stood with Filch. "Started to feel a bit light headed myself." Must have caught a reflection of himself in a goblet or something.

"Yes thank you." No chance to gloat at Filch, I will have to save it for another day.

"I have been thinking about why your mood is always so black and I think it is because you surround yourself with black. The robes you were, the colour of the dungeons. Do you get my point?"

What am I? A bloody project for you to study?

'Why is Severus Snape a moody old git?'

There is one sentence that will explain this.

'Stupid people insist on trying to talk to me when I don't want them to and pompous brightly-coloured tramps keep telling me how to dress!'

I won't stand for it!

Next thing I knew a very ugly statue of the Great Witch of Doncaster was flying through the air, heading straight for Lockhart's big blond head. Mrs Norris shot out from the doorway into the Great Hall. Filch had the sense to move out of the way when Lockhart had started talking and so only got a few shards hitting the floor near his feet.

Lockhart however…


	5. Lockhart's terrible demise

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

It has been over a year I think since I last wrote a chapter, that is because my Moaning of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller one got taken off, I don't know why and frankly I am very annoyed about it. And the computer broke down.

* * *

I am dedicating this chapter to Blythe Fritzenwalden Felagund because she saved my work onto her computer and has very nicely agreed to send it back to me and I think I am going to upload it again with a few alterations. Or I might leave it exactly how it is and upload it again just to generally annoy people.

* * *

Chapter 5: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**All hail the Great Witch of Doncaster**

Lockhart has a headache and is therefore unable to grace us with his presence this bright and sunny morning. Poppy the walking chemist offered to try and give him something but he insists that it is only mild and will go away shortly. Everyone knows he is just hiding from. After the Great Witch of Doncaster statue accidentally got knocked of its stand last night and a chunk hit Lockhart, I made a quite quick but still very (a) elegant and (b) stealthy retreat into the Great Hall. Filch shuffled his way over to Poppy and told her what had happened, (missing out the bit about me, obviously) and McGonagall just swivelled to look at me and I knew I that I had a 'guilty' sign stuck to my head with dragon spit. I made a pretty swift escape by telling some third years off for prodding the floating candles. Dumbledore is tapping his glass, I think he wants us all to sit down and I am getting as far away from McGonagall as I can manage.

"WHAT a WONDERFUL feast! I HOPE you are all feeling full and refreshed, but NOW to bed with you all!"

Could he get any more annoying? I'm being seriously. He could wear a tea cosy on his head then he would be a male version of McGonagall.

Anyway, they all started to file out and go up the stairs when Dumbledore looked around the hall, twinkled his eyes for all he was worth then said "Something…" McGonagall was sat hanging off his every word and then followed him out when he left. Of course, me being me, I had to follow because I am very nosy. It turns out Potter, Granger and Weasley have killed Filch's cat and scrawled a very nasty message on the wall saying 'THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE.' They of course deny everything; say they were at a Deathday Party of that morbid Nearly Headless Nick ghost, but I know for a fact that the food at these 'parties' is inedible. That is either because ghosts are very lazy and can't be bothered getting fresh food or they cant taste it and need to intense the flavour. I'd bet my sanity on it being because of laziness, isn't everything?

We all went into Lockhart's office with Potter, Granger and Weasley. I was all for clamping them in shackles and bringing in some of them delightful chairs from Azkaban but Dumbledore shook his head before I finished saying "Headmaster, I think…" Which I think is exceptionally rude. McGonagall stood behind him with a triumphant glint in her eye.

Lockhart has millions of pictures up on the walls and they all had…wait for it… rollers in! One had a hairnet in. Potter claimed innocence; Dumbledore examined Mrs Norris and (unfortunately) its not dead, merely paralysed. Filch was crying with fury which is not a pretty sight. When Dumbledore said, "She's not dead Filch" he was the only one who showed any sign of relief. I even saw Weasley roll his eyes. Insolent wretch. I was stood just behind one of the candles that lit a small circle in the room, it was damn hot and I kept narrowly avoiding setting fire to myself but I knew that I looked bloody gorgeous. Dark glittering eyes, hair sweeped to one side, clean black robes on and sneer fixed firmly in place. I brought forward the point about inedible food and they made up some excuse about not being hungry. Children are always hungry, they're like bins.

I made a few more mild suggestions like banning them from playing Quidditch, giving them a truth serum, disembowelment, but nobody seemed that impressed. I'm currently sat in the staff room, I think Dumbledore has finally given up on the whole 'teacher bonding' thing- mainly because its absolute rubbish. Or he has just crossed me off the list because I keep scaring the people I talk to. Hang on, McGonagall's coming over.

**That meddling old bag…**

Apparently McGonagall 'knows it was me' and is going to 'prove it was me' if it is the 'last thing she ever does.' I really couldn't care less what she does with the remainder of her life, it has made me glad that there is no CCTV in the main hall though, kind of ruins the illusion of Dumbledore being all knowledgeable. I have also found out that Dumbledore hasn't given up on the teacher-bonding thing, McGonagall said:

"You really should try harder Severus, you should have noticed that everyone else was in a pair except for you. Then again, it's like this most mornings."

Ooo, when I take over the world I am going to feed every single tartan hat to the Giant Squid and then send McGonagall in to find them.

"Gilderoy was your partner this morning, but because of his 'accident', you will be paired with him tomorrow. Maybe you could APOLOGISE for something?"

And then she did one of those sickly smiles which says 'don't and I will kill you.' I just sat there and looked at her until she left to talk with Flitwick. Great, so I get Lockhart to talk to tomorrow do I? I hope he's looking forward to it as much as I am.

I've got third years first lesson, I had better go and defrost those rotting Squid eyeballs. I love being a Potions Teacher, you can tell them to dissect, boil, mash up, cut up and shred anything and they can't complain. Correction, they can complain all they want but I won't take a blind bit of notice of them and they will get a detention with me for their troubles.


	6. Keep stirring Severus

Disclaimer: I have finally realized that you do not have to put a disclaimer on every page so I'm not going to on this chapter.

Chapter six: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller 

**The day of reckoning**

It's five o'clock in the morning and I am sat in the staff room, getting ready for Lockhart's arrival, strong black coffee, murder mystery book and doing sneer practices in the mirror above the sink. I'm currently wondering whether to forget the whole 'dancing round a cauldron' remark and just leave my revenge at throwing a statue at him or scare him absolutely stupid, make sarcastic remarks at every opportunity, completely destroy his 'reputation' and dye his seaweed green robe more of a dragon-droppings color. That's a hard choice to make.

**Too much caffeine**

Never again am I sitting in the staff room for two hours waiting for other teachers arrive, I didn't realize I had had so much coffee to drink before it was too late. I can't sit still and I am getting very funny looks off Dumbledore who is talking to McGonagall. Everybody seems to be here except for Lockhart, hang on I think he's coming through the door.

"Ahhhh Gilderoy," that's Dumbledore, as if you didn't know by the extravagant and very annoying 'ahhhhhing.' "You are with Severus today." I wish I had had a camera at that moment; he went from skin color to white, to green, to pink and ended up a kind of milky porridge color.

"Lockhart. How's the head?" Might as well tackle the problem face on.

"Oh fine thank you Severus. I managed to get a bit of work done yesterday actually."

"Having a headache doesn't stop you writing letters to your fans I suppose." Luckily McGonagall is talking with Dumbledore still and so didn't hear that comment. Lockhart is looking very uncomfortable.

"The statue has had to be taken off for repairs. Your head made quite a mess of it." Might as well stick in as many snidey comments while I have the chance.

"Do you know how it came to… fall… off its stand?" Oh, don't get cheeky with me you little toad.

"I _may_ have got a little overexcited while dancing round my cauldron and I _may_ have danced straight into it." That shut him up; I think he is trying to work out whether or not I'm being serious.

"I'm going to get a cup of tea, excuse me." And with that Lockhart made his escape. Don't worry, I'll get him again next break. We're partners for the whole day after all. In fact I have a free lesson third so I might go and visit him while he is teaching.

**Where's my best friend gone?**

I can't find Lockhart anywhere; you don't think he's avoiding me do you? I've looked in the staff room, the dungeons, his room, down all the corridors and skirted round the Great Lake before the squid spotted me. I even ducked into the Owlrey and went out again before they all dive-bombed me or whatever it actually is that owls do.

**Found him!**

He's been camping out in McGonagall's office talking about everything from himself to the weather. McGonagall cornered me as I was creeping, no that makes me sound like a vampire, er… well I was creeping so I'll just stick with that, anyway. As I was creeping down the fourth corridor McGonagall whispered to me in a very low and dangerous voice that I WILL stop picking on Lockhart or she will end up shoving every copy of Witch Weekly where the sun doesn't shine. She stomped off before I could say, "I'd like to see that." Or something equally as snidey. I think she has finally got bored of his Most-Charming Smile.

**Third lesson, I've got work to do**

Here's the plan:

1) Stand at door sneering and leering at Lockhart

2) Get a cup of coffee

3) Do some more leering while making sure Lockhart sees me

4) Go and buy every copy of Witch Weekly I can find

5) Invite McGonagall into staff room for a chat

6) Sit in staff room calmly waiting for Lockhart

I don't think it'll work, McGonagall doesn't see me as someone to chat to. It will give me something to do for the next lesson and through dinner. Lockhart has first year now and they're so dim they wouldn't notice if I walked in, grabbed Lockhart and waltzed round the room with him. They certainly won't see me at the door, Lockhart however will.

**Stage one complete**

Okay, I lurked around Lockhart's door for a bit but he was so busy describing how he managed to trap a flesh-eating boar in the depths of the Amazon Jungle that he didn't see me. One of the first years did however, her eyes went as wide as saucers and she nudged the girl next to her but I ducked out of the way before they could both see me. Got bored of trying to get Lockhart's attention so I'm trying to find the coffee at the minute. I think McGonagall has hidden it somewhere, she's done this before, she really needs to get some new pranks. Where's her oh-so-precious tea cosy?

**Stage two complete**

Found the coffee, need to go and do some more lurking around Lockhart's door. Hang on… I've just had this awful thought. Who do I remind you of? Lurking around a particular teacher, using any excuse to see them? God, I'm turning into Quirrel.

**I can't lurk when I'm like this**

I don't want to be like Quirrel.

**Stood outside Lockhart's**

I'm being serious. I won't turn into Quirrel; I have too many brain cells for that. All I have to do is let Lockhart see me then I can go and do something more productive, like order copies of Witch Weekly.

**He squeals like a girl**

Or a pixie, or a house elf when you kick them. He saw me and I grinned very evilly (I have added evil grin to my list comprising of sneers, hair flicks, annoyed glares and so on. I am quite proud of it actually, but I reserve it for people who I really hate), and he squeaked, floundered a bit until the whole class were giggling at him, moved very quickly as far away from the door as he possibly could and hopped from one foot to another very nervously. Classic.

**He's a right ugly bugger**

I have a pile of Witch Weekly in front of me and all I can see are smiling Lockhart's in a variety of brightly coloured robes. 'Gilderoy Lockhart on how to deal with dust biters,' 'Gilderoy wins Housewife Favourite of the Year award.' It goes on and on, pointless awards from people with no social lives. Not that I can talk, the last time I went out for a drink with a 'friend' was 1987 and that was only because he wanted to poison me with the Firewhisky. I can smell poison from a mile away though and I very cleverly swapped the glasses and sat there waiting for the pathetic excuse that came. I think he ended up knocking it on to the floor or something. I wonder what happened to him? Actually I don't really care. There's the bell, I wonder how long it will take Lockhart to get down here? The staff room is quite far from his room actually; I'll have enough time to get McGonagall.

**Told you she would suspect something**

So near and yet so far, all I had to do was get McGonagall down here and before I had finished my first word she asked what I really wanted, why I was asking her and whatever it was the answer is no. I told her that Lockhart wanted her down in the staff room to talk about some different Witch Weekly awards he had got. She nearly grabbed a painting of the wall and threw it at me. And she kicked a suit of armour as she went past it, to which it let out a very wheezy "Ouch." Sparks will fly and I have to there to see it! Keep stirring that pot Severus.


	7. The duelling club

Chapter seven: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Quidditch match**

Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. Weak vs. Strong. Ugly vs. Beautiful. We shall triumph. We'll see which is better, Harry Potter with his great big head or Malfoy with wealth, fame and two henchmen. I know who I'm putting my money on. I'll give you two guesses. Malfoy.

**I don't bleeding well believe this**

It would take a very large and angry hurricane to stop that boy beating me! He was floating around, raining pelting down, a Bludger broke his arm and he STILL managed to catch the snitch. If you are wondering whom I am talking about its Potter, Malfoy is so pathetic that he wouldn't be able to catch a hippo waddling away from him. There is a good point to this story though- Lockhart took it upon himself to cure Potter, and… wait for it, you are going to pee yourself with laughter... he dissolved all the bones in Potter's arm! He has to drink Skele-Gro as well, which everyone knows is disgusting stuff. It's something else I can mention to Lockhart, his amazing ability with a wand. I should thank him really, its taken him around three months what I have failed to do in two years- cause Potter actually bodily harm. Pity it isn't permanent.

**Colin Creevey has been, well, I'm not too sure really**

They found him last night, he isn't dead, he just isn't talking or moving or eating or doing anything that live people do. First Mrs Norris, now him. Malfoy is making bets on who is going next and I have so far failed to catch him actually taking bets, apart from off me of course but I'm not going to give him detention for that. McGonagall told us in the staff room this morning and you should have seen the look on Lockhart's face. He looked smugger than I usually do.

"I'm sure there is nothing in it. Just someone playing pranks." I looked over at him coolly.

"Like you dissolving all Potter's bones you mean?" That wiped that smug grin off his face.

"That was an accident caused by the weather conditions I was working in Severus and I'm sure that Harry understands." I would have snorted but it is so ungraceful that I just raised an eyebrow.

"I'll go and tell him it was an accident, shall I? After he has drunk half a bottle of Skele-Gro and re-grown thirty-three bones." McGonagall coughed to get our attention and she actually nodded slightly at me! I think that was a small attempt at a thank you because I am the only one who can have a go at Lockhart while making any sense and not sound like an enraged schoolgirl.

McGonagall has taken the list of those staying over the Christmas holidays and the usual squirts are staying but Malfoy is which I think is very weird. Christmas is the holidays which means that I should get time AWAY from the little brats, I do not want to step outside my door in a morning and find Hogwarts as full as before the holidays started! Do they not have homes to go to? I know I can't talk but at least if I stay here I get a proper Christmas meal, not half a tin of cold beans because I can't be bothered making anything.

**WHY DO THEY CONTINUE TO TORTURE ME!**

Why can't I have one Potions lesson, just one, where Potter doesn't attack Malfoy, argue with me or argue with Malfoy and just get on with his work and do it right for once?

He managed to explode Goyle's swelling solution, which splashed quite a few people and worked which I am amazed at. Goyle can't make a cup of tea without burning something down.

I knew it was you Potter, and I am going to get you and make you pay. I got the remains of a firework and directed everything I spoke to Potter.

"If I ever find out who threw this, I shall _make sure_ that person is expelled." Low whispery voice, slight sneer, dangerous look in eyes, glare at Potter, turn on heel, imagine all the horrible things I could do to potter if he wasn't a student. Disembowelment.

**I don't know what they are planning but I will find out**

They have stolen ingredients from my personal supply of ingredients. Very rare Bicorn Horn and Boomslang Skin, which are only used in few potions and they are very dangerous potions as well. Now I have two options. I can go to the headmaster and tell them that students have been stealing rare and powerful ingredients from my private stores to which he will answer with something like,

"Ahhh yes Severus, PERHAPS students should EXPERIMENT more with powerful POTIONS. I suggest YOU should start a POTION'S club. Every THURSDAY night. What do YOU think Minerva?" And she will answer with a really annoyingly smug grin:

"Yes headmaster, I think it will be a brilliant idea."

Or option two is to leave Potter to his own devices and wait for him to blow himself and his two chums into a million pieces.

**He has started a duelling club**

You can probably guess who, no one else would actually (a) volunteer to start a club or (b) start a club proclaiming their own greatness which incidentally does not exist. And he has asked me to help him run it, I think he asked every teacher in the staff room to help him before me but was greeted with answers ranging from "I can't I am washing my hair," to a simple yet effective "no." I said yes because it will give me the perfect excuse to kill him and say it was an accident.

**First duelling club**

He was wearing 'plum' robes. Why anyone would want to wear a plum I don't know but Lockhart was. And apparently he gets them made for him and they are the only ones in existence. Does that make the wearer of such robes an endangered animal? I wonder. He started off by introducing me as 'his assistant' and that I know a 'tiny bit about duelling'. I was a Death Eating for crying out loud; I've been in more duels than Lockhart has changed his robes. Actually, scratch that, he would probably change his robes in his sleep if he could.

Then he said (and this is what really annoyed me) "Now, I don't want any of you youngsters to worry- you'll still have your Potions master when I'm through with him, never fear!"

Okay, first of all they couldn't give a damn about me and I spotted at least four pupils making bets on who would finish who off first. Secondly, I could fight Lockhart with my arms, hands and legs tied together with no wand and still win. Thirdly who actually says 'never fear'?

I did a simple disarming spell and Lockhart has obviously never duelled before because all he had to do was create a shield but he just stood there and ended up flying backwards and smacking into a wall. Most of the Slytherins were cheering and I would have taken a bow but I don't want to get too big headed. He won't be asking me to duel again any time soon. Then he had the cheek to say that it was obvious what I was going to do but it was 'constructive to let them see the effects'. Constructive my arse. I just glared at him and sneered and did every other evil look I could remember. I think he noticed because he said, "Enough demonstrating!" We had to put everyone in pairs so I headed straight for Potter and paired him with Malfoy, Granger with Bulstrode and Weasley with Finnigan. It was chaos. Pure, utter, lovely, gorgeous chaos.

Also found out something very interesting about Potter, he can talk to snakes- Parseltongue. I don't think he understands what he can actually do but I knew the minute he opened his gob. And everyone hates him for it! HahaHA hahaha!

**Potter has been killing off people**

Apparently. I don't believe it, seen as he is friends with Granger, but the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws are scared out of their wits about it. Justin Finch- Fletchley and Nearly- Headless Nick the ghost have been attacked and they are all blaming Potter. Peeves was singing quite an amusing song when Potter got marched off:

'_Oh Potter, you rotter, oh what have you done_

_You're killing off students and you think it's good fun.'_

I will bet any one of you that he doesn't get expelled or even detention for this, Dumbledore will probably say something that sounds very wise but is just a load of rubbish and McGonagall will stand near the door and just snap 'Come on Potter' when Dumbledore has congratulated him for being like his father or something equally pointless.

**They are all going home!**

There has been a mad rush to book places to go back home at Christmas! I'm so happy, well as happy as is possible when you live in a dungeon. The Weasley twins are going round telling people to get out of the way of the 'Heir of Slytherin' because apparently Potter is a 'really powerful wizard.' If he is the Heir of Slytherin then I'm transferring to Ravenclaw.


	8. Christmas and Valentines day

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Chapter eight: The Moanings of an Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**It's Christmas Day**

Great. I stepped out of my dungeon and got attacked by large amount of brightly coloured tinsel. There is mistletoe over nearly every door; I have decided to completely ignore it because if I ignore it, it is not there. I got a present off Dumbledore that is actually pretty good, though I will never admit it to him. It is a solid golden cauldron, self-cleaning, self-mixing with a secret compartment for a limited amount of rare but important ingredients. If it had a brain that cauldron would be lethal. Luckily it doesn't, it has my brain instead which might actually be worse.

**That was the most harrowing experience of my life**

I have just been trapped between Lockhart and a doorframe with a sprig of mistletoe hanging over our heads. Lockhart looked up, went "ohh!" in a really unconvincing 'how did that happen?' way and pointed upwards just in case that I hadn't noticed what was causing his strange behaviour. I backed away quite hurriedly before he decided to carry out Christmas tradition and Lockhart waltzed off to go and pluck his eyebrows or whatever it is that he actually does. All the teachers have decided to be more festive, Poppy looks like a Christmas tree she's got that much tinsel wrapped around her, Flitwick has charmed robins to fly around him all day and McGonagall has stuck a bit of holly to her hat. I am very pleased to announce that I am still (a) dressed in all black (b) as alone as ever and have (c) managed to completely ignore the run up and actual arrival of Christmas to the world. The only time I have actually acknowledged its existence is when I opened my solid gold cauldron and did a very small jig around it before remembering who I was and what I stood for.

**How actually writes these abominations?**

We are singing Christmas Carols. Correction, they are singing Christmas Carols, I am quietly sipping Firewhisky out of my goblet while trying to ignore Lockhart, who keeps trying to catch my eye. The Christmas Dinner was awful, how anyone can eat so much stodgy food is beyond me. The only thing that is edible is the pudding because the House Elves finish their entire supply of Old School Rum for the year by pouring it into the white sauce. However, they don't use it in anything else during the year so every bottle is used up at Christmas. Hagrid is already drunk on the eggnog, McGonagall is tipsy from I think its wine in her goblet, or blood of course. I always thought there was something funny about her. Poppy is nearly under the table from all the alcohol she could get her hands on and Flitwick is sticking to just half a goblet of eggnog after what happened a few years ago. It's a long story but it included running around the lake at half three in the morning with nothing but his shoes on. I said thank you to Dumbledore for the cauldron, however much he annoys me it still is a great present and must have cost him quite a bit. He just smiled at me and raised his goblet in a kind of toast. I raised mine back and nearly choked on the pumpkin juice in it, McGonagall had switched my Firewhisky for juice when I wasn't looking. I changed her wine to juice of pickled toad livers and she nearly brained me, Lockhart said that it wasn't a suitable retaliation and I should apologise for resorting to such disgusting methods of payback. Then his chair mysteriously got a life of its own and decided it didn't want Lockhart's backside on it any more so chucked him over the teacher's table to land just in front of the Slytherin table, who applauded my imaginative revenge.

**Granger is up to something**

She has been in the hospital wing for around two months. I must say that Potions is so much quieter without her and there are a lot more opportunities to take points off Gryffindor because she is no longer whispering instructions to everyone. Unfortunately Potter and Weasley are taking her the homework so I can't give it all to her at once and demand it be finished within a completely unreasonable and impossible time.

**Lockhart thinks he is God's gift**

He says that he has stopped all the attacks on the students because the Heir of Slytherin 'knew that he was in the castle and sensibly stopped before Lockhart came down really hard on them.' I feel like petrifying Lockhart just to make him shut up. He keeps going on about the castle needing a 'morale booster' to 'wash away the bad memories' and if it affects me in any way, shape or form I will do something Lockhart will not live long enough to regret.

**Help me**

Please kill me. Then Lockhart. No, let me kill Lockhart then kill me. It's the 14th February and apparently it's 'valentine's day'. He has covered the castle (including my dungeons) with pink flowers, heart- shaped confetti is falling from every place in the castle, even the suits of armour are shooting tons of confetti at anyone who walks past them. Three people have been taken to the hospital wing already for confetti related incidents. I'm sat in the Great hall with a shield that is covering me, my food, my goblet of coffee and a perimeter around me of exactly three centimetres. If one piece of confetti touches me I will scream. I mean it, I'm tipping over the edge, in fact I'm already half way down the mountain. Lockhart is wearing lurid pink floaty robes as well; he looks like a bloody meringue. What's he doing? Oh a speech, okay I can handle speeches. He has twelve dwarves with gold wings and harps that are 'friendly card-carrying cupids.' They don't look all that friendly to me. Listen to this bit:

"I'm sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a love potion! And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!"

Anyone who asks me for a Love Potion will be force-fed everything I can find in my ingredients cupboard. Including the various range of poisons. Flitwick is just sat with his head in his hands, probably trying to list every curse he could perform on Lockhart, that's what I'm doing anyway.

**The end of a very bad day**

I have received no less than eight valentines from different students trying to be funny, and I think those Weasley twins were behind at least four of them. I cursed the last three dwarves that tried to sing to me in the middle of a packed corridor, I think Poppy is treating them in the hospital wing. Some of the rhymes were mortifying; luckily no one else actually got to hear them.

'Severus makes me want to become a singer,

Even though he is a bit of a minger,

No one else loves his greasy black locks,

But of all the teachers, he's the one that rocks!'

So pathetic, I mean 'makes me want to become a singer'? I could have written a better rhyme in my sleep. I know that it was the Gryffindors because no one else would have dared to send such rubbish to me. I think McGonagall sent me one as well, so I sent her one back. Hers went like this:

'Severus Snape with sneer in place,

How I would love to smack that face,

Have you ever in your life had any fun?

And do you really melt in the sun?'

She has asked for everything she got. And I do not melt in the sun, I just burn very easily. So I sent his one back to her:

'Minerva with your tartan hat,

I want to hit you with a bat,

With your deep wrinkles and smug smile,

When I look at you I bite back bile.'

I hope she likes it; it took me ages to get the words just right.


	9. The Chamber of Secrets

Chapter nine: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**I don't think she appreciated my poem**

Apparently my valentine was 'only a joke' from 'all of the staff', it wasn't 'mean to be offensive' and Minerva was 'very insulted by her reply valentine' and hurt that I had 'immediately thought that she had sent.' I told her to pull the other one- its got bells on. Lockhart gave a gasp of outrage; he likes Minerva because she's the only one who will listen to him prattling on. I could tell that Flitwick wanted to laugh; he turned an interesting brick red colour. Same colour as Lockhart's robes actually. The Mandrakes are having parties every night, so those twits, I mean, poor people, in the hospital wing will be revived. Great, I so enjoy being tailed by Filch and Mrs Norris.

**Just given the second years my thoughts on subject choosing**

It went along the lines of 'if any Gryffindor thought they could drop potions they are sadly mistaken, I have the pleasure of teaching you until fourth year. Excuse me while I jump up and down with the joy of it all.' Malfoy sneered at Potter, who didn't look interested. He is getting too big for his boots; no one can ignore a Malfoy glare when it's being directed straight at them. Even Malfoy looked a bit surprised. He'll be up all night sneering into the mirror to check he's doing it right. Sad boy.

**Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff**

Or as I like to call it, 'who gives a rats arse?' Hufflepuff are the worse Quidditch players ever, the Beaters are too pathetic to actually hurt anyone and Gryffindor have Potter the wonderful Seeker who could Snatch a Snitch from the Slavery Chops of Death.

**You'll never guess what**

Christmas, Easter, Harvest, St George's Day, Independence Day and every other festival from around the world that ever took place have all just come at once all that the same time. Granger… has… been…. PETRIFIED! Savour the moment. Savour the silence. Savour the empty air when I ask a question and no one knows the answer instead of there being an arm waving around in my face. At this moment I could even forgive Lockhart for being such an insignificant fart. Well, I could excuse him perhaps, not forgive him. And Hagrid has been taken to Azkaban; I don't really have an opinion on that. I have an opinion on everything else but Hagrid is just there, he doesn't seem to do anything, he just hangs around. He's a friend of Potter's but that's not his fault, it's Potters. Dumbledore has been taken out of the school as well by Lucius Malfoy. He always was an idiot, without Dumbledore here Minerva will become Headmistress and no one wants that. Perhaps I should apologise for that valentine?

**I swear I am going to smack that boy**

Draco Malfoy is strutting round Hogwarts like a hamster on heat. Just because his stupid father was stupid enough to suspend stupid Dumbledore and now stupid Minerva is the stupid Head. I went into potions today and he was described how his father got rid of Dumbledore, again.

"Sir, why don't you apply for the Headmaster's job?" Because I wouldn't be unintelligent enough to nick Hogwarts right from under Dumbledore's feet.

"Professor Dumbledore has only been suspended, I dare say he will be back with us soon." See, not biased, not mean, just the truth. I can be nice when I want to be.

"I expect you'd have father's vote, sir, if you wanted to apply for the job. I'll tell father you're the best teacher here…"

The best teacher here? I bloody well hope not. How to be a winner and a loser at the same time. It's like getting the employee of the month award. It's a Muggle thing, I won't go into it at the minute but its something about one person sucking up to the boss and getting hated by every other living person in a two mile radius.

And I bet the Gryffindors think I didn't see that Finnigan creature pretending to vomit into his cauldron. Disgusting child. I had to escort them to Herbology as well like a group of toddlers.

Minerva is acting a bit smug as well, but she has lost her beloved Dumbledore and 'Hogwarts is not the same place without him.' I told Minerva that if she grew a beard she'd look exactly like him. She didn't find it funny. That's why I've been asked to escort the Gryffindors everywhere today; I have to take them to Defence Against the Dark Arts next lesson with Lockhart. Sprout asked him if the Heir of Slytherin was still scared of him, or had they got over their initial fear. Lockhart told her she had nothing to worry about and he was within days of revealing the Heir. Everybody in the staff room at the time fell silent and just sat, staring at Lockhart who was beaming around everybody. I don't think I was the only one wanting to feed Lockhart to a suit of armour at that point.

**They still have to do exams**

Only one week and I get more free lessons to do absolutely nothing, they have to sit through extremely boring and tedious exams (i.e. Transfiguration) and then they have to wait months for their results. Granger is still in the hospital wing and therefore can't do her exams so I shall fail her completely for failure to turn up. Unless McGonagall stops me.

**Its happened, the Chamber has taken a student**

McGonagall just called a meeting in the staff room; Ginny Weasley has been taken into the Chamber. Flitwick squealed, Sprout clapped her hands over her mouth, I lent on the back of a chair. "How can you be sure?"

"Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber for ever." Its very original I must admit. Implies lots of things, like death. Flitwick burst into tears; he always was a drama queen.

"Which student?"

"Ginny Weasley." Oh why? Why couldn't it have been Potter? Of all the students it could have taken, and it doesn't go for Potter!

McGonagall has ordered all the students to their dormitories and they will be on the Hogwarts Express tomorrow morning. Then Lockhart came bounding in, said he'd fallen asleep and what had he missed.

"Just the man, the very man. A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last." I had been preparing that speech for quite a while, and if it had been a bit darker with a few candles dotted around it would have been perfect. So its sorted, Lockhart is going in after the monster, which we all know he won't, the students are going home, Hogwarts is finished. Currently I'm doing a last check of the dungeons and surrounding corridors to make sure there are no students still wandering around. McGonagall thinks that I am the only teacher who has chance against the monster it seems, all other teachers have been sent to their rooms with orders to put protective charms around them. I have been ordered to wander round for a bit and 'keep watch' as McGonagall put it. She either thinks I am a great wizard or wants me dead and I don't think it's the former.


	10. The Last Feast

**And so ends the second year. Here's a special thanks to ash vault rose garden who has managed to review every single chapter. **

Wondering if I should do the third year just to get a chance tomoan about Lupin?

Chapter Ten: The Moanings of An Overgrown Dungeon Dweller

**Lockhart's gone**

I can't find him anywhere. I decided that going and scaring him was a better use of my time than trudging around deserted corridors. I went into his office and most of his trunks were packed, all of his pictures (of himself) were put away (thankfully) but he is nowhere. I told McGonagall but she just thinks he has left as soon as possible. He wouldn't leave all his precious pictures, florescent robes and signed books behind though. If he has left though, I could make a massive bonfire and slowly cremate every piece of coloured fabric with Lockhart's name on it.

**Dumbledore's back**

Don't ask me why, because I don't know. I was prowling along the second floor corridor and when I looked up he was striding towards me.

"Ahhhhh Severus. GOOD to see that you are keeping CHECK on ALL the students."

"Headmaster. Has something… happened?" What was I supposed to say? 'What the hell are you doing here, get out of my castle'?

"Fawkes contacted ME and the Chamber has been SEALED. I felt that as HEADMASTER I should BE here." I just stood and gaped at him for a bit. Has Lockhart actually done something worth recognition?

"I must SPEAK with Minerva." I stepped out of the way and then followed him to McGonagall's office. She nearly broke down when she saw him. Dumbledore called the Weasley's down to her office, then about three minutes after they had sat down Potter comes trudging in, covered in slime, dirt and blood with Weasley juniors and Lockhart. Molly Weasley nearly strangled them all when hugging them then Potter told us all how he defeated the Basilisk and killed a memory of Lord Voldemort.

Potter and Weasley have got hundred of millions of points each which means that Slytherin will once again loose the House Cup.

There is one good thing that has come out from all of this though. Apart from the fact of Hogwarts staying open and me getting to teach until the end of time. Lockhart has lost his memory. Dumbledore said

"Why SO modest Gilderoy?" Lockhart actually looked over his shoulder to see who he was talking to. Weasley butted in about a memory charm backfiring.

"There was an accident. Professor Lockhart…"

"I was a Professor? I expect I was hopeless, wasn't I?" I felt like bellowing yes at him then jinxing him with every single spell I could think of all at the same time. Instead I just stood in the corner and nodded. I went with Weasley and Lockhart to the hospital wing. Lockhart kept asking me all these questions about what he does for a living and who his family are. He now thinks he is a dustbin man who lives in a cardboard box outside Honeydukes and his only friend is a pet rat that got eaten by a cat a few months ago. He just stood there and nodded at me. Weasley was just laughing quietly to himself; I don't think he liked Lockhart either.

**The Last Great Feast**

How come everybody except me is in their pyjamas? Even the teachers are, McGonagall and Dumbledore changed just to 'fit in with the celebrations.' I hope they all die from hypothermia. The exams have been cancelled. Gryffindor have won the House Cup. Hagrid came back from Azkaban. At least Lockhart has been carted off to St. Mungos. I felt slightly sorry from him so I went into his office, got a stack of his miniature photos and that horrible peacock quill and gave them to him as he was being taken down the drive. He can annoy someone else with them now. I smiled as Dumbledore announced the news about Lockhart, most of the Hufflepuff table fell out of the seats they were so surprised when they saw me. It took me a minute to remember the actual sequence of muscle movements for smiling, but I got there eventually.

**Last day**

Everybody seemed a lot happier this past week. People even tried to talk to me in the staff room and Flitwick made me a cup of coffee. I was so amazed that I didn't say thank you when he gave it to me. I must have seemed extremely rude so I tried to have a conversation with him the next day. Didn't get very far but at least I tried. McGonagall has also attempted to be nice to me. She got Sybill Trelawney to sit next to me in the Great Hall on the last day but I don't know why she bothered. I hate the woman; every time she looks at me she gasps and starts to shake. Apparently I have 'a dark and dangerous past which is only balanced by my dark and dangerous future.' I told her I also have a dark and dangerous present so why doesn't somebody just kill me. She couldn't answer that one; she thought I was just making fun of her. Which I was.

**Staff meeting on the lawn**

"Another year has GONE by. I am HOPING I shall SEE you all NEXT year and I shall advertise for ANOTHER Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher as SOON as I get BACK from Greenland." Who goes to Greenland on holiday? McGonagall is going to Norway skiing. Flitwick to the Amazon jungle. Poppy to a hospital in Africa. The furthest I'm travelling is to chase next-door's cat off my mud flat of a lawn.


End file.
